I finally closed an unfinished business remaning with hewhocannotbenamed. It took more than 2 years to close a couple of bank accounts we used to share for savings and expenses. We tried to close them when everything was over, but as we had to be both present at the moment and things got ugly among us, it became a pending issue, bothering but nor completely annoying, till finally I was given a phone call suggesting it was about time. I agreed.
Thus, officially it could be said that everything related to my 5 year relationship is finished. To be honest, it’s a relief getting rid of such burden. It’s like “you don’t owe me, I don’t owe you” kind of feeling.
Suprisingly the whole procedure was fast and smooth, and we both behave in “friendly” manners. What I didn’t expect was to spend 40 minutes on the street talking about ourselves, and even recalling the end of our story, thanks to a sentence I won’t ever forget “I’m sick of us hating each other”. I was given the opportunity to be honest about my feelings, and I approached it. And damn! It was cathartic.
Being given the chance of expressing many things you’ve been keeping in the dark of your mind for so long time is therapeutic. I didn’t argue, not in the mood, just wanted to let him know that what he did wasn’t fine, that he handled the situation awfully and that at the end of the day, with the passing of time, ending our story was the best that could happen to me, thus in some way I had to feel grateful, because splitting meant my release from an invisible and narrow cage, and the final evolution to who I really am.
At this point I don’t judge his reasons, but I do question the means, and I wanted him to think the way I felt when the person I loved most on Earth all of a sudden started treating me like a rag. I felt ripped off and devastated. How could he? It’s something I will never comprehend, no matter whatever abstract explanations he can provide as a justification.
Anyway. After the longest and most honest conversation we’ve had in 2 years, my hatred turned into something weird. Yeah, I told him I used to hate him on a daily basis, I’m not gonna lie about that. But right at that moment I found it pointless, and I could say the hatchet was finally buried.
Anger is a very powerful feeling, In many cases I think it’s even stronger than love. It’s a pretty good state to start from ashes and arise. In my case, once the mourning was over and I didn’t feel like eating shit down in a hole, but anger towards him, and the thought of superiority strong and present worked out pretty fine. Hatred combined with scorn is even better. That “you’re a piece of shit and I’m better than you” can move mountains and conquer uncivilized territories. Such mixture of feelings is very helpful to overcome the sentimental ties but can result in an obsesion if you’re not careful.
When sentimental part is over, despise reigns, however, in my case, was a constant wondering why I allowed this and that in the past, and how came I swallowed so much in the name of love. So you got angry with yourself too. I reckon I created a Golem.
Let’s say that, due to personal circumstances, my healing process was at this point. All the sentimental ties were reduced to none, and despise and facepalming present, even though the intensity was diminishing little by little.
40 minutes conversation were enough to change my state. Most of my friends can confirm I’m not a longtime resentful person. I can bark in the beginning, but as long as I don’t feel threatened, eventually my seek for vengeance will be tamed and I’ll move on looking for something more interesting.
With this, I’m not saying we’ll become friends in two days, I don’t even know if I’d be ready for that, plus I don’t need his friendship (got plenty of wonderful people on my side), but at least, I can sigh in relief thinking there won’t be tension in the future whenever we meet (because we do see each other from time to time).
I didn’t think last Thursday meeting was so cathartic, and finally this important episode has been closed down for good. And I feel alright.