Tag Archives: Love

The evil headaches of a love crush.

December is strange. Too intense to end the year, full of emotions, year balance, lists and events. Rhythm is exhausting, and Xmas hasn’t even started yet.

I feel a bit anxious this time and I don’t really know why. Well, I got few reasons. There are many issues I’m involved in directly and indirectly and my head is a bit mess, plus unlike previous years, I don’t know what to expect from next year and I’m not ready to face 2015, I haven’t figured out some plan yet, it’s as if I still had to do something to come to terms with this finishing year. What is that? I have no fuckin’ idea. Perhaps I think too much… Maybe everything would be sorted out if I got laid or climbed a mountain. Who knows?

Speaking of which, and related to a question arisen to an artist I had to interview, I’ve been thinking of the love crush feeling lately. Yep, I’m very emotional these days, and it’s not that I have a crush on someone right now, but I’ve been thinking how difficult that stage is till you actually fall in love with someone and that feeling is mutual.

You know someone, feel attracted to him for many reasons and qualities, both physical and related to personality, hobbies, tastes…whatever, and then you start considering maybe you could match that person, but you don’t know whether that person shares the same kind of feelings towards you, so the walking over the ice like time starts, and the mixture of feelings is overwhelming.

Illusion, optimism, sex, activities in common,  and to sum up, a promising future, are faced by not so positive things such as insecurities, sudden lost of self esteem, doubts and a huge lack of confidence, and the terrible and threatening shadow of REJECTION.

At the end of the day I live and move in a world where man-woman friendship is real, or at least  I strongly believe in it, even though sometimes confusion might happen and you can fuck it up too, not being able to define the friend zone from the affective one.

butterflies

Would these feelings change when you grow up and have some life experience on your back? Or you still feel butterflies (c’mon! those are fuckin’ cramps and cold sweat)? Because if things work the same way as 10 or 20 years ago, I’m not so sure I want to pass through that stage. Am I getting old and bitter? I hope that’s not such thing.

Why everything has to be so damn complicated? Wouldn’t it be easier to wear a tag to identify people’s needs and tastes…and the most important thing, availability?

Danko Jones said once that love is unkind, and I totally agree with him. It’s unfair and unbalanced, and it’s almost impossible to find someone to be at your same level of needs and involvement. There are not perfect couples, we were wrongly raised under such belief, but at the end of the day we know that’s impossible.  So, what’s the point of trying once and once again if nothing lasts forever?

Ah! Mysteries of life, dears! But it feels so damn great when love works, huh?

! Mysteries of life, dears! But it feels so damn great when love works, huh?

LATE

Perhaps it’s too risky to bring out this subject, as there are many hidden readers who never come out of the cave publicly to comment on the topics but come to me and tell me what they think about stuff, and some can feel identified or related to what I’m about to tell, but this is the way I need it to be.

Have you ever had the feeling you arriving late? Late for a job, late for a band which no longer exists, late for a trend…and it’s not your fault, nor you haven’t done it on purpose, it just happens. In the last months this feeling is recurring, and it’s very contradictory in some aspects.

I’m late for interesting and worthy men. Just like that. I’m meeting very interesting and cool guys close to my age who share an unfortunate feature: they are not single. There are wives, girlfriends and even kids these men are sharing their lives with. I don’t think it’s necessary stress out the fact that I wouldn’t force any of their current situations to change, and wouldn’t like to be part of a split or something worse, first because I’m not that kind of person, and second because I don’t want to be anyone’s second course.

little miss late

There are times you are aware of their situation in advance, which quickly helps you to mark as “not available”, but in some cases you start talking with someone who is very charming, cool, wonderful, irresistible, and all of a sudden the magic vanishes when in the middle of a conversation he mentions his wife or his kid…

Some guys are clearly flirting and are playing with a dividing line which keeps them in the safe zone, others who cross to the other side with all the consequences, and some other just don’t realize you might be more sensitive to their charms.

But what happens when even though both parties are aware of the situation and have their roles assumed, there’s a noticeable vibe between them? Oh Hell, that’s tough! The only thing you can do is stay cool, grab a couple of beers and think that you got the wrong impression. That’s the best you can do if you value their friendship and don’t want to mess things up or finish being a fool in front of their eyes.

When situations like this happen somehow the future prospect of finding someone seems hard to believe. Not that I’m desperate for having a couple, in fact I don’t think I’d be able to share not only life and my privacy but also my space with someone, but you know, it’s always good to have the possibility of o. Nowadays it seems like they’ve been reduced to just one possibility: being single.

Thus, what’s the meaning of this? Is it that all single people in my age are, so to speak, faulty? As if we had some sort of mental issues, likely caused by broken relationships, which have prevented us from having a couple, or something like that? Ain’t we good enough for anyone? are we too cool for the school? Truth is that whenever I look around it takes me ages to find someone interesting, outside my friend groups, and most of times they’re with someone else.

I think I’ll have to wait for the emotional leftovers who, considering my age, won’t take too long to turn up.

Aaah, life! I really love you dear, but sometimes you’re a merciless cunt!

THE ’59 SOUND OF LOVE, IN SPRING

The ’59 Sound is one of my favorite albums in the last years, and The Gaslight Anthem one of the bands nowadays I respect most.

As far as I can remember, I told you a bit about this album, when I started this project of blog and diary of my life, and I’m positive I already told you my friend Artemio was the responsible for I had a crush on the New Jersey tattooed boys.

I love this album for many reasons. What attracted me first was simply the music, the rhythm and dynamism of every track, following an order carefully and very conveniently arranged. Brian Fallon’s Telecaster guitars, and Alex Rosamilia‘s outstanding arrangements, bass lines resembling Social Distortion and The Replacements, and that smell of classic Bruce Springsteen, even though I don’t dig much, are very appealing. Then it’s the lyrics. I love the story telling in songs. The Gaslight Anthem tell stories in their songs, same as Drive-By Truckers, which in some cases you feel related to. And these guys, referring to the good ol’ times, enhance the classic American icons: vintage cars, girls, diners, tattoos, broken hearts… I close my eyes and see Rumble Fish gang boys.

I’ve also noticed this band doesn’t leave people indifferent, either you love them or hate them, not radically, yet remarkable.

I’m not writing about this album as the chosen for the week, because whenever I get hooked to it, I can be listening to it incessantly for weeks. Right now I’m passing through one of these Gaslight seasons.

You might think I’m crazy, and I won’t argue at all. Being such a  romantic girl, Spring is my season. Don’t aim to sound desperate, because I’m not, but, with such weather, who doesn’t want to be in love? I know the whole season is still ahead and many things can happen, but friends, it’s gonna be the second official Spring on my own (I could even say this is the third, as the Spring’10  was a nonstop nightmare), and prospects are not very promising, to tell you the truth.

This is the thing, I love Spring, but once I assume I’m to be by myself, I get disturbed by the increasing amount of visible couples sprouting mushrooms like. And would love to kill. Nah! I’m just kidding, this bloodbath feeling has vanished with the passing of years.

Ha! Now you’re wondering what the f**k Spring has to do with The Gaslight Anthem and why I’m telling you all this.

For whatever reason I relate The ’59 Sound to Spring, so to Love consequently. I discovered this album when I was still in love for real, in Spring. Stupid references my mind makes up to get me crazier every day, what can I say.

Last year I had a crush on someone for more time than convenient, whom, due to his old school  appearance (high top sneakers and sailor tattoos) and passion for rock, I easily connected to this album, and to certain songs in particular. I know, I know, I know…  the fact that he was a friend didn’t help to work things out. Wrooong! Never mix friendship with intimate affairs, it seldom works, plus you take things for granted, especially regarding behavior, which can easily turn against you. Yep, he’s still my friend, but something has changed. No arguments, no big fuzz, just disenchantment. Guess I thought of a friend who could understand me, could occupy the vacant in my heart, but I didn’t think of my scars still present, still healing. And why not? Forgive me if I sound pretentious, I deserve better, and if that’s not possible, prefer nothing.

This silly crush arose in Winter, to die in the middle of Spring, and the soundtrack for all these contradictory feelings was The ’59 Sound. Fortunately I’m convinced that music is the most loyal comrade, thus one year after this episode which, believe me, didn’t hurt nor impact too much, taking it more as an anecdote, I’m recovering these bunch of songs, which evoke me stories at the drive-ins, with boys in leather jackets, and pin up looking girls, and I dream of a guy taking me to a Ferris Wheel , and telling me that If I never let him go, well he will never let me down… And I sigh!

And can’t wait till the end of Spring (ha!) for the upcoming new album of this band, to be named Handwritten, already cooked and currently in the oven for production. Never enough of The Gaslight Anthem.

ABOUT PERSEVERANCE…

One year ago, someone who’s not in my life any longer (you can guess who…it’s easy), told me I wasn’t constant with things in my life. Coming from him was like a bad joke, but I’m not the one to judge anybody’s life and choices, especially if deep feelings are involved. Perhaps I should, but I’m not a pushy person, I take things as they go, if I like them I get along, if not, then I move my ass as far as possible.

After the initial shock of such statement, a quick thought came to my mind: I might not be constant with certain obligations, or things which don’t give me enough satisfaction sometimes, what I’m constant with all that matters. I will never forget my answer: listen, XXXX, right now I can name 3 things I’m constant at, which I consider the quite important: You, my friends and my job.

Yes, one of my problems, yet a virtue too, regarding couples, is that I’m so constant I never give up, and sometimes I should, for both my pride and state of mind. I’ve never fired anyone, always hoping everything could improve. Thus, when everything is ruined, I feel like shit thinking I could have put things to an end earlier. At least, I never have the typical regrets thinking  what I did wasn’t enough.

Regarding my friends, they are my life, I’ve told this hundreds of times, but it’s true. I would be nothing without my friends, and you have to treat them the best you can, and that’s a constant thing in my life.

I’m a hard worker. First company related to container business I worked for, during 4 years, I really felt involved with maybe too much. Not that it was an obsession, but issues trespassed the line to my private life. I’m trying this does not happen anymore, but if I have a commitment, and get paid for that, I have to give my best when required. Of course, there are seasons I’m ball scratching, like everybody else, but when stressing peak seasons, such the one I’m currently suffering, are on, I squeeze my brain and do whatever is at hand, meaning overtime, to say the least. I don’t care. Better times are to come.

The subject of perseverance has come to discussion many times among friends. You know, certain statements, despite you clearly disagree with them and know they’re wrong, depending on your state, can affect you a lot. I guess this happened to me, because this frequently comes to my mind.

My friends get upset when I remind them of this moment, they cannot disagree more.

Could you think of 5 things you’re persevering at, right now? And being horny all day long is not valid 😉

I’ve told you three, although one is not currently active. And more have come to my mind, thank God!

A couple of weeks ago, my friend Nefer remarked something that had never occurred to me, the funniest about it is that this is something that has been with me since I was 9 and discovered it was great: English language. Some people can accuse of being a snob, I’m not going to justify myself nor give extra explanations, but that’s complete bullshit.

Little story here. When I was 9, a couple of Americans started to live on the flat next door. The woman, Maria, was actually in her 20’s, and her husband Marc, was in the army (there was a US army base in my hometown those days). She was mos of time on her own, quite bored, and had this awesome portable Pac-man machine she let us play with at the swimming pool in our building. Thus we became friends. She could speak a bit of Spanish, for she was born in Phillipines, and I could say few things in English, so our friendship was one to improve our language skills and mimics. She loved Wham, and had a collection of videos we used to watch every weekend. And then she played me cartoons, which I didn’t understand much, but loved them anyway.

Eventually both families got close, and we used to hang out at the base. That was a blast! Bowling, the coolest swimming pool ever, and for just one dollar, you could get a cheeseburger and play arcade games for long time.

My cousins also lived in a residence area full of Yankees, so they got acquainted with other teeneagers, and soon I was introduced to other kids. Language barrier was a problem I had to sort out, because I wanted to communicate, and know about their culture, understand Teen Wolf and other cool movies… At that point it was decided, I HAD TO learn English.

And since then, English has been a constant in my life. Most stuff I consume is English spoken/written: music, films and books; I studied English philology at college (never finished it though, degree was a crap); stayed in London for a couple of years… After many years I’ve realized, despite my mistakes, I feel more comfortable writing in English, and in both very intimate moments and heavy drunk states, it’s easier for me to express myself in such language. Now you tell me, am I a snob? Well, then I am, and proud of it!

And to end with this, perhaps, nonsense deep thinking of the day, one of the most important constants, which has marked the track to follow for good, music. I’ll never give up on music, and will attend as many gigs as possible as long as I’m physically capable of. Without rock, and music in general terms, I would be a complete different person, probably empty and boring. There’s nothing that can excite me more, or bring out my most extreme emotions. Music can help me to concentrate in certain tasks, can cheer up or depress me, make me laugh and cry, turn me on or get me more aggressive. Music is the law!

Once all this said, I really wanna know, am I constant or not?

SAINT VALENTINE’S DAY? MY ASS!

Yeah! I know it’s very typical broken hearted say we don’t believe in Saint Valentine’s day, but in my case, I’ve always found this celebration a bit stupid, as most theme days such as gay pride, woman’s day, Mother’s day…and all that crap. What about the Single’s day, the Straight day or the Unemployed’s day?
 
Anyway, isn’t love or a relationship, including friendship, something you gotta celebrate and take care of every single day? Why do you have to give a present to your beloved ones on a certain day? Consumerism and marketing long time ago turned love into business and cash making and that’s sad. I’m quite convinced human being tends to consider Love as something superficial, and relationships are treated  in a very frivolous way. People don’t stand each other but at the same time commit to other people, acquire responsibilities such as mortgages, kids and other stuff, to end up getting sick of the one you’re sharing your bed and life with, and sending them to hell, with lots of consequences.
 
Once this said, I must admit I’m kinda romantic type, with all the innocence included, who believes in LOVE, no matter I’ve been screwed up a few times, and still have illusion. I know it will take time, I’ve been hurt a lot, but guess someday a rockin’ guy will notice my charm and high spirits and will desperately fall in love with me 🙂 Hope is something we mustn’t lose…ever!
 
Because I’m sick of so much stupidity regardind this day, but love making lists, and just because…here is a bunch of songs related to this feeling for your pleasure, they don’t mean to be the best, but I find them cool for today:

1.    TIME ENOUGH FOR LOVE – FUN THINGS

2.    AIN’T TALKING BOUT LOVE – VAN HALEN

3.    WHEN YOU DANCE I CAN REALLY LOVE – NEIL YOUNG

4.  SINCE I DON’T HAVE YOU – THE SKYLINERS

5.    LOOKING FOR A KISS – NEW YORK DOLLS

6.    DO YOU LOVE ME (LIKE YOU SAY YOU DO) – LEE FIELDS AND THE EXPRESSIONS

7.    I AND LOVE AND YOU – AVETT BROTHERS

8.    OLD WHITE LINCOLN – THE GASLIGHT ANTHEM

9.    LOVER, YOU SHOULD’VE COME OVER- JEFF BUCKLEY

10. LOVE UNLIMITED – FUN LOVIN’ CRIMINALS

11. ROCKET QUEEN – GUNS N’ ROSES

12. MAGIC MAN – HEART

13. I BELIEVE IN A THING CALLED LOVE – THE DARKNESS

14. SUSPICIOUS MINDS – ELVIS PRESLEY

15. I STOLE YOUR LOVE – KISS

16. NEARLY LOST YOU – SCREAMING TREES

17. HURT ME – JOHNNY THUNDERS

18. STATE OF LOVE AND TRUST – PEARL JAM

19. BAD TIME – JAYHAWKS

20. HELLO, I LOVE YOU – THE DOORS

Which songs would be your soundtrack of Love?