Tag Archives: work

I’m not a mum, so deal with it.

As you know I’m single and don’t have any kids of my own. At this point in my life I’m 80% sure I will never be a mum. I don’t feel frustrated about that, because considering my terrible love life, I’ve never had the urge to have a baby. It’s not that I didn’t want to, but never been obsessed about looking for life fulfillment through raising one. Never felt this biological call I think. Probably if the chain of events would have been different, I’d be a proud mum nowadays. Who knows… Truth is this has never bothered me at all. I’ve been able to carry out lots of things that, with such huge responsibility, I would have never had the chance, so I don’t regret my current situation at all.

However I’m at this age that many people are new parents. Decades ago, it was at your 20s when you were having babies, and reaching 30 you were considered some sort of outcast or freak if you weren’t living in a couple raising kids. Society has changed, comfort and leisure have won consideration, with people feeling like enjoying travelling, going out or living free without additional burdens, and on the other hand the current expensive way of life, have delayed parenthood to the 30s, the decade I’m about to finish.

Thus let’s say until 2-4 years, I was working with single people, or at least with no kids. Barcelona is said to decrease the birth rate, however I see lots of couples assuming the step in their commitment adding new members to their new and small family. Many of them because they are well settled at work, feeling comfortable enough to assume this new episode. It’s quite reasonable and I feel very proud of my friends in that situation, moreover, I love my friends’ kids.

marge and maggie

I work at an office where most of my colleagues have kids. Well, together with another girl I’m the exception. That wouldn’t be anything extraordinary if I wasn’t starting feeling marginalized.

Long time ago I wrote a piece for Norma Jean Magazine talking about the silent privileges of the parents at work, which made some noise among readers, causing extreme reactions. I was supported by many people and criticized and even insulted by others. The reason was that I affirmed that due to their obligations with kids, parents had some sort of advantage and an off the record law protecting their interest over single or non parent coworkers, especially related to holiday periods, illnesses and leaves. Of course you cannot speak in general, and that wasn’t my target (I didn’t want to offend anyone) at all, but everybody can read what anyone writes from a different point of view, but I hate those people abusing of their status for their benefit.

Leaving all the holidays subject, because at the end of the day I prefer taking days off for attending festivals,  or whatever I want, out of the typical hot season, for the first time in my life, like I’ve advanced, I feel marginalized.

Does parenthood provide you of the ultimate truth and wisdom? Should I be interested in the different textures of poo? Is my life more frivolous because I don’t sacrifice it on behalf of a kid? Let me answer for you: NO, NO and NO.

Everything is based on choices. I chose not to have children because I reckon it’s more serious than we think. I’ve seen women getting pregnant to chase a guy, and live in permanent frustration, with constant problems and difficulties because that love story was a failure, and at the end of the day a kid wasn’t a fixed and unbreakable contract which granted happiness in couple. I don’t want that in my life, and I don’t want to be a bad mother, projecting my shit on my son. My work pals decided the other way. Some were lucky because their relationships are serious, well based on, deep and constant. Some weren’t because everything was just an illusion in the heat of the moment. Everybody has to carry their emotional bags the way they can, but since I don’t judge, I don’t wanna be judged or just categorized as insensitive or selfish.

Sometimes these mums at work make me feel as if I don’t give a shit about kids sick, or learning to walk and talk. As if they thought I don’t belong because I don’t have anything in common with them, or at least as important. I cannot talk about poo, vaccines, kindergarten teachers or meals from my personal experience, obviously, but I listen and learn from what others share with me, so I can give my input, but that is not valid for them because “you don’t really know what this is like”. On the other hand, since their kids have become the center of their lives, the rest doesn’t matter, so at the end of the day they’re basically talking about the same. I’m sorry but it’s boring. If being a mother means I have to give up everything I love, passions and hobbies, and just being focused on a human being, I’m afraid that’s not my war.

I know close friends who are mothers and they are able to converge motherhood, friendship, couple, their personal life, and work, and many other things, and they’re good at everything. They can care for friends and even though there’s a lot of sacrifice and hard work, they don’t feel overwhelmed by their new situation and keep up with their previous life. I feel part of their experience, I fit in without feeling like forcing them to take me in their lives, and they respect and care about me and my stuff.

kid at festival

What the difference between case A and case B mothers? I might sound very harsh right now, but I honestly think the first ones never had a plenty life and raising a kid is some sort of relief for their frustration, with lots of dependence involved, and probably the result will be a disaster when those children grow up, become individuals in possession of their own will, and start feeling detached from their protective wings, because they won’t know what to do with their empty lives.

So dear supermoms at my office, I’m glad you’re leaving me aside because now I know I don’t want, nor won’t be like you, and it’s a huge relief.

ABOUT PERSEVERANCE…

One year ago, someone who’s not in my life any longer (you can guess who…it’s easy), told me I wasn’t constant with things in my life. Coming from him was like a bad joke, but I’m not the one to judge anybody’s life and choices, especially if deep feelings are involved. Perhaps I should, but I’m not a pushy person, I take things as they go, if I like them I get along, if not, then I move my ass as far as possible.

After the initial shock of such statement, a quick thought came to my mind: I might not be constant with certain obligations, or things which don’t give me enough satisfaction sometimes, what I’m constant with all that matters. I will never forget my answer: listen, XXXX, right now I can name 3 things I’m constant at, which I consider the quite important: You, my friends and my job.

Yes, one of my problems, yet a virtue too, regarding couples, is that I’m so constant I never give up, and sometimes I should, for both my pride and state of mind. I’ve never fired anyone, always hoping everything could improve. Thus, when everything is ruined, I feel like shit thinking I could have put things to an end earlier. At least, I never have the typical regrets thinking  what I did wasn’t enough.

Regarding my friends, they are my life, I’ve told this hundreds of times, but it’s true. I would be nothing without my friends, and you have to treat them the best you can, and that’s a constant thing in my life.

I’m a hard worker. First company related to container business I worked for, during 4 years, I really felt involved with maybe too much. Not that it was an obsession, but issues trespassed the line to my private life. I’m trying this does not happen anymore, but if I have a commitment, and get paid for that, I have to give my best when required. Of course, there are seasons I’m ball scratching, like everybody else, but when stressing peak seasons, such the one I’m currently suffering, are on, I squeeze my brain and do whatever is at hand, meaning overtime, to say the least. I don’t care. Better times are to come.

The subject of perseverance has come to discussion many times among friends. You know, certain statements, despite you clearly disagree with them and know they’re wrong, depending on your state, can affect you a lot. I guess this happened to me, because this frequently comes to my mind.

My friends get upset when I remind them of this moment, they cannot disagree more.

Could you think of 5 things you’re persevering at, right now? And being horny all day long is not valid 😉

I’ve told you three, although one is not currently active. And more have come to my mind, thank God!

A couple of weeks ago, my friend Nefer remarked something that had never occurred to me, the funniest about it is that this is something that has been with me since I was 9 and discovered it was great: English language. Some people can accuse of being a snob, I’m not going to justify myself nor give extra explanations, but that’s complete bullshit.

Little story here. When I was 9, a couple of Americans started to live on the flat next door. The woman, Maria, was actually in her 20’s, and her husband Marc, was in the army (there was a US army base in my hometown those days). She was mos of time on her own, quite bored, and had this awesome portable Pac-man machine she let us play with at the swimming pool in our building. Thus we became friends. She could speak a bit of Spanish, for she was born in Phillipines, and I could say few things in English, so our friendship was one to improve our language skills and mimics. She loved Wham, and had a collection of videos we used to watch every weekend. And then she played me cartoons, which I didn’t understand much, but loved them anyway.

Eventually both families got close, and we used to hang out at the base. That was a blast! Bowling, the coolest swimming pool ever, and for just one dollar, you could get a cheeseburger and play arcade games for long time.

My cousins also lived in a residence area full of Yankees, so they got acquainted with other teeneagers, and soon I was introduced to other kids. Language barrier was a problem I had to sort out, because I wanted to communicate, and know about their culture, understand Teen Wolf and other cool movies… At that point it was decided, I HAD TO learn English.

And since then, English has been a constant in my life. Most stuff I consume is English spoken/written: music, films and books; I studied English philology at college (never finished it though, degree was a crap); stayed in London for a couple of years… After many years I’ve realized, despite my mistakes, I feel more comfortable writing in English, and in both very intimate moments and heavy drunk states, it’s easier for me to express myself in such language. Now you tell me, am I a snob? Well, then I am, and proud of it!

And to end with this, perhaps, nonsense deep thinking of the day, one of the most important constants, which has marked the track to follow for good, music. I’ll never give up on music, and will attend as many gigs as possible as long as I’m physically capable of. Without rock, and music in general terms, I would be a complete different person, probably empty and boring. There’s nothing that can excite me more, or bring out my most extreme emotions. Music can help me to concentrate in certain tasks, can cheer up or depress me, make me laugh and cry, turn me on or get me more aggressive. Music is the law!

Once all this said, I really wanna know, am I constant or not?